my feelings are mixed...

my emotions are stirred...

my head is spinning.

my heart is ripping.

i dunno, someone tell me what to do. its difficult to act like it doesnt hurt, to act like its not bothering me. to act like i dont want to know more answers. =/

everything that he said to me today really upset me. because i found myself apologizing... WHAT FOR? i didnt fucking do anything. i think its because i dont want him to hate me. and i dont want this whole thing to get worse. :(

i want to find someone here, i want to find somone for me right here in las vegas. someone i can share my heart with... someone who will hold it safe in their hands, and wont let it break, nor cause it to.

im beginning to think that i could quite possibly be alone for a while. maybe this wasnt meant for me?? it might sound silly, but im pratically 18 and i havent had any sort of REAL boyfriend. the closest its ever been was with jake. and how real could that be when he lives hundreds of miles from me?... the fact that im 18 means im closer to 20, and when im twenty thats close to 25... by 25 im going to want to start settling down... and having my own family. im more than halfway there, and things arent looking up for me... !!!! argh!.

sounds kinda like i want to rush things right?? no, im just being worrysome, which is useless. i suppose ill leave it up to my faith in fate. right?

...

right. ::sigh::

he was my john cusack