i think im doing very well pertaining to this particular subject...
however, i still miss him.

i miss his smile and the way he used to kiss me.
how he would whisper in my ear how much he loved me.
"thy doves flew"
how he would brush the hair off my face, and offer me everything.
until now ive noticed he let me keep absolutely nothing.
it is all but memories left, and a heart still meaning to mend.

ive made tremendous progress, and yet i am still learning. and while i HAVE done well letely, i get angry at myself for still having some sort of an attachment. for still having some sort of feeling. for still having an ounce of jealousy.

i gave him everything. absolutely everything. of me, within me ... everything this stubborn little girl possesses... i shared with him.
the moments that held the turning points of my life, the moments of happiness and fulfillment... the moments of shock, disbelief and pain.
i got everything with him.
and i've got nothing with him.

he called me tonight, after a weird feeling i had last night. i answered ... thought twice ... and hung up. ive been contemplating this phonecall, and delaying it as much as possible. i havent gotten to the point where i have had to MAKE myself NOT call him... however, i've thought about it. but... it just seems so much easier this way.
its hard to explain.

i still love him.
i do.
and i want to be his friend.
i do.

i think im beginning to REALLY realize that im not THAT strong. i'm not that type of person. i'm all or nothing. and i dont like that, but im not sure if its a characteristic that i CAN change. it is just who i am, HOW i am, and how i deal with things.

i'm content with knowing that we're not on bad terms. we dont hate eachother. im comfortable konwing that i can pick up the phone and call and talk to him whenever... but im content not HAVING to.

im weird.
hes insanely difficult to understand.
hes the most complex person i've ever met in my life.

i want to vomit every time i wonder what hes doing with her.
emotionally.
physically.
intimately.
sexually.
lovingly.
everything.

i get the heebeejeebees when i picture his face and his lips pushing out "i love yous" unto hers.

ICK.

i cant stand it.
im ranting .
this is me crazy talking at 1230 in the morning.
this is me being bothered by my past.

and this is me stopping.
i'm done.