FUCK.

i dont know what to fucking do.
i dont know what to fucking do.

i cant seem to apply what i want to, to this situation. i need fucking help. but i dont know what kind or where to find help. i feel like i have to vomit all fucking day. my head will NOT stop thinking.

ive tried yoga, ive tried meditation, i have tried living through daoist philosophy.
well... "the way" is not making much fucking sense to me right now. "the way" isnt making me feel any better. what the fuck happens when i TRY and it doesnt work? what the fuck happens when its almost 6 days later and i still cant fucking eat. when i still cant fucking stop crying. when he is newly "getting annoyed" that im trying to "drag his friends into our business"
WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE THINK? THAT IM NOT GOING TO NEED SUPPORT AND HELP AND ADVICE FROM FUCKING PEOPLE? what is wrong here. i dont fucking understand.
i feel the ground moving under my feet, but im not getting anywhere. i feel my heart open in my chest but all im feeling is pain. im breathing air but it is only polluting my lungs.

my body needs nourishment. my body needs care.
i can not GET this care if i am not happy. i am not happy with myself. i am not happy with being with out him. and i am not happy about him not talking to me.

negativity is no good.
but what does one do when they try to keep everything positive, but NEGATIVE sneaks in and rips it all away.

im such a fucking set back. my whole fucking life.
i cant stop crying. i cant stop wanting to get out.