i talked to an old friend the other day....
for as long as we havent talked, we just barely scratched the surface.

i lost him a while ago... even before i REALLY lost him.

(i know you'll eventually read this)

i dont think i'll ever understand what our friendship/relationship was supposed to mean, or how it was supposed to happen, but all i know is that you were always number one in my heart.

i cant explain how much better my younger years were, because i shared all of them with you. but i just wish that things could still be that way now. for whatever reasons our friendship fell apart, i'm truly sorry. because, unlike what you may think... i have felt the full loss of not having you in my life anymore.
i remember, you called me on my birthday. i was driving to dinner with jason sitting next to me and i ignored your call. i tried as hard as i could to keep my composure, but i couldnt. i broke down. he hadnt ever seen me cry that hard before and i dont think he understand to the full extent of how i was feeling, or what i had lost.
ultimately, the reason i was so upset was because ... it had been the ONLY year that i ever FELT like you were just calling me because you felt obligated, or like it was 'the right thing to do'.
in fact, the gift you made me for my 18th birthday is hanging on the wall in my closet. i open the door and see it every day. ... sometimes i even stop to read it.
this year, on my birthday, i had felt so angry when you called. i thought to myself, "why the fuck is he even calling me. he probably sat there for a minute trying to decided if he should or not, and the only reason he actually did was because he'd probably feel bad for it later."

as selfish or silly as that sounds.

its what i thought.
its what i felt.

and its because i'd lost your friendship, and hated that so much. honestly, you told me that i was selfish and you didnt know me anymore. however, i had lost you long before then. it had been some sort of weird circumstance when you began seeing her. in my opinion, she still wont EVER be good enough for you. no girl ever will.
do you realize that?

at this point in our lives, i think its safe to say that theres no way i would ever be able to hate you, or dislike you... but in some ways i think we're both going to look back and realize that we should've treated each other better, because we were the best friends that most people wouldnt ever find. we were the boy and girl that shared one heart. we were the A and B. we were the 1 and 2. we were the start and finish. we were everything amazing that two people could've been.

and i miss you.
i miss my best friend.
i miss your eyes and smile that made me a part of who i was.

i know that you are living a different life now. you're doing all these great things, and doing well.
and ya know, i am as well. but -- like i said. my life was always better with you. but i want you to know, that no matter where you are, who you marry, who you choose to be your best friend, and where you life, what your occupation is, how much money you make, WHATEVER IT IS, i want you to know... i NEED you to know that i thank you, for every effort you put into me. for every word you ever spoke in hopes of sharing your thoughts and feelings. i want to thank you for all the years you spent being my best friend. living life, side by side ... with me.
i want to thank you for finding me, and making me a part of your life.

i hope you continue to be GREAT, because you ARE.
dont ever let anyone bring you down, or stop your stride.

keep on, keepin on.
i will always love you.