jesus.
has it really been over a year since i have updated? thats kinda sad almost. but -- alas. once again i am reminded of how things that seemed so important to us (like updating this diary) slowly fade. why is that? maybe its loss of interest. or perhaps the fact that i cant express myself the way i used to (for one reason or another). it could simply be lack of interest, time, ... whatever.
needless to say, here i am.
confiding in this internet keepsake of which i have kept since... god. i dont even know how long ive had this thing...?! i once told myself that i would print out every page of this thing and put it in a binder so that i could reference my life in my hands. (now i think it just might be a waste of paper).
more often than not i find myself not writing in here anymore, but i do do back and randomly click the titles that link to a memory of my past. man. was i dramatic. (actually, i still am. i just dont express myself that way anymore)
at the time, my life seemed so complicated. so intense. like i loved growing up, but i hated having to DEAL with growing up. ... now i look back, and only wish i could go back to those days.
when my worries were of boys, and best fiends, and shows, and who i liked and didnt like. and yes, some things never change. but man, life is rough.

i find myself stuck in a rut these days. like im standing in a pool of water and watch my feet through the ripples. the water becomes cloudy, and i lose sight of my toes at the bottom. im stagnant. and its not so clear anymore. and yet im not moving! i feel like i cant get out of this fucking puddle. i cant figure myself out. my life out. im not necessarily in a hurry, but shit. i wish i had a clue. im living in this place. this house - with my family. and most of the time its great. but i want something. else. i want to be here, i want to be there. i cant make up my mind. i miss my friendships and what life was like with those people. im tired of having relationships that only last 6 months to a year. i'm not looking for marriage, but id like to find someone to spend my time with.
i miss tom.
i miss lindsay.
i miss heather.
i miss tia.
jeffrey. natalie. josh. ken. brad (erika). scott. i miss a lot of people. it sucks.
i feel like my friends here will never come close to my FRIENDS. sometimes i feel like the outcast. sometimes i feel like they arent my friends at all. it sucks. it bums me out.
"you'll never have friends like the ones you had when you were 12" - i thought i understood the meaning of this before. (and i guess i did) but it has NEVER been so clear to me as it is now.

can you tell my mind is a mess? does this even make sense?
shit.

lets try to get positive here.
i WILL figure out what i want to do with school.
i WILL find someone to spend my time with, when the time is right.
i WILL get out of this rut.
i WILL discover another amazing friendship (if not but just one) and be able to be comfortable with that.
i WILL understand myself. and my life. (at some point)

this entry is over (rated).